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September 06, 2003
Fear
Everyone has something they fear. Not just a healthy fear of a loaded gun, but something that, on the face of it, should not be fear inducing. Most people have a fear of rejection and a fear of failure.
For some, they shrug it off and plod on. For others, these dual fears shadow them through life, slowing things down. And for a group of people the fear is so palpable that they freeze, unable to function for fear of something going horribly wrong.
I'd say I was somewhere between the last two groups. I'd pass on things or take the easy way out because I was afraid of failing. Or of being rejected. I almost always take the safe and sane path in anything. So it is, especially, with relationships.
But something changed in me with 'A'. I was not afraid to take the risks involved in getting things started. More importantly, every time I thought that something might be wrong, or that the relationship might crash and burn, instead of letting it and moving on, I pushed forward.
Early on, she thought that this three week fling might not be the right thing. Instead of just agreeing, I managed to talk to her about her fears and, it seems, managed to tame them for a while. Why did I do that? I'm really not sure, but I think that 'A' brought out the best in me. She made me feel good about myself and that made me feel good about her.
She's also damned creative, beautiful and smart. Instead of thinking myself not worthy of her attention, I dove right in, figuring (correctly this time) that it would not really matter if I failed or if she rejected me. Tossing off these dual fears, I felt more free than I ever have.
When she said that she did not want to talk to me in order to get over me, I thought it through. The safe and sane route would have been to let her go. And I did that for a few days. But that I realized that I wanted her and I overcame my fear of the unknown, of failure, change and rejection, and I wrote her a long letter telling her I wanted to give it a go. Telling her I would certainly consider moving for her. Anyone who knows me knows how big of a step that is. I'm comfortable here after 15 years. Moving, changing jobs, buying and selling homes, these are not things I want to do.
But I hope I treated her in a way to ease her fears. I know I did for a while. But this wide gulf, this 2800+ miles between us, makes it difficult to have the talks about our fears. I'm not even sure that she's afraid of anything other than incompatibility, but the distance and the amount of work required to bridge it makes it difficult to do anything about it.
I miss her deeply. Of all the amazing things she showed me in such a short time, the gift of being able to challenge my fears is one I hope I will be able to use time and again.
Posted by Samer at September 6, 2003 01:28 PM
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