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December 31, 2003
Happy New Year
Hope you all have a happy and productive 2004.
Posted by Samer at 06:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Goodbye
Our condo management team's last day is today. They have both been great managers, and good friends over the years.
I wish them well in the new year and at their new jobs.
Posted by Samer at 06:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Spam
In just 60 hours, I collected 1062 pieces of spam e-mail messages.
That's just 17.7 an hour.
Thank goodness for SpamAssasin and Panix.
Posted by Samer at 06:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 24, 2003
Ready
Well, all the help from friends is finally making me feel much better.
I am ready to forgive and ready to rebuild. There is some residual anger and more sadness. But I am ready.
I want her to ask for my friendship back, and to understand why I felt the way I did. And I hope that comes in the next few days.
But I am ready to start again.
Posted by Samer at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 23, 2003
'Devastated'
One of my friends told me that I look "devastated" about the way my Oregon misadventure went. I can't really agree to that, but I can't really deny that I feel that way on some level.
I am sad. Very sad. Sadder still that we have not been able to talk and figure out things and what happened and see if we can salvage the friendship.
I guess I am somewhere in between devastated and sad.
Posted by Samer at 05:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Healthy As A Horse
Where does the phrase "healthy as a horse" come from anyway? Is it because unhealthy horses are shot, so any that are around must be healthy?
Regardless, according to my doctor, I am very healthy. Apparently, I am surprisingly healthy. I have a residual cough from my pneumonia, but my lung capacity is 20% better than the last visit.
I've also lost eight pounds since my last visit. This is a bit of a surprise, though I am trying to eat better and walk more. I suspected I might have lost a couple of pounds, but eight is great.
Posted by Samer at 05:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 22, 2003
Headed Home
I'm off to the airport in a few minutes to head home. What a shame this has trip turned so negative.
Portland, Seattle and Eugene are all nice towns. Sadly, I'm not so sure I will remember them for how nice they are, but rather for the pain that I suffered here.
I hope one day to come back and experience happier times.
Meantime, for the first time in a long time, I am ready to be home and around friends.
Posted by Samer at 10:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 20, 2003
Words
When I am feeling low, when I ache and hurt, I always look to the words of Gibran Khalil Gibran.
While The Prophet is his best known work, The Wanderer has my favorite entry:
THE PEARLSaid one oyster to a neighboring oyster, "I have a very great pain within me. It is heavy and round and I am in distress."
And the other oyster replied with haughty complacence, "Praise be to the heavens and to the sea, I have no pain within me. I am well and whole both within and without."
At that moment a crab was passing by and heard the two oysters, and he said to the one who was well and whole both within and without, "Yes, you are well and whole; but the pain that your neighbor bears is a pearl of exceeding beauty."
Sometimes, the right words can have a very therapeutic effect. Thanks to 'A' for bringing him up last night.
Posted by Samer at 10:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Rogue
I went to Rogue this afternoon for a bite to eat and a nice little lunch.
It is a nice little pub, nestled in the Pearl section of Portland. 13th and Flanders, for those of you out here.
The food was decent pub burger. The beer was outstanding.
I had the Dopple Mogul, a taste of the Smoke Ale and the Chocolate Stout.
The Mogul was huge. This is their winter beer. 7.1% alcohol, big body, big hop, big taste. Dark and roasty with a wallop of hops on the outside. Roasty, dry and hoppy on the inside. The alcohol is not noticeable at all, and you can drink this fine beer until you fall off your stool.
The Smoke was light and thin in color, but had a nice smoke aroma to it. It tasted mighty smokey, you could almost taste the smoked barley.
The Chocolate is now my favorite chocolate beer. Brewed without a single ounce of chocolate, this beer is dark and tasty. Smells like chocolate, tastes a bit like chocolate, this beer stays with you for hours.
If you are in Portland, stop by Rogue, you'll love it.
Posted by Samer at 07:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Long Letters
I wrote 'L' a letter today. A very long, very draining letter.
I talked about my anger and my sadness. About my hopes and how they were dashed. It took three hours to write it. It numbers ten pages when printed out.
It is raw and full of emotion. It is me.
I hope she reads it and I hope she understands where it comes from.
I hope we can work things out.
Posted by Samer at 07:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Cigars
Back in the day, whenever I would get upset, or just needed my head cleared, I would go out and take a long walk while smoking a nice cigar. I figured they were cheaper than the cost of a psychiatrist.
Last night I had a cigar for the first time in ages. Thanks to 'A', I also had some good food and good chocolate, as well as some wonderful companionship.
But the cigar was special. An Arturo Fuente Hemingway Signature Series "Short Sotry". For those of you that are not familiar with the Hemingway line, this is one of Fuente's prestige cigars. The Short Story is just that, a short, stubby cigar with a pyramidal shape. It is easy to light and easy to smoke.
All I needed was a twenty minute break in the rain. And I got it. Sweet, lovely, amazing tobacco. What a wonderful smoke that was. Head clearing and mind numbing.
Posted by Samer at 07:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 19, 2003
Trust
What is trust? Webster's says:
\Trust\, n. [OE. trust, trost, Icel. traust confidence, security; akin to Dan. & Sw. tr["o]st comfort, consolation, G. trost, Goth. trausti a convention, covenant, and E. true. See True, and cf. Tryst.] 1. Assured resting of the mind on the integrity, veracity, justice, friendship, or other sound principle, of another person; confidence; reliance.
You want other definitions, and there are plenty, go here.
'L' broke my trust in her. I am no longer sure anything she's told me was told with integrity. There can be no reliance on her at this time. I trusted her implicitly. Everything was right with the world.
Every time I saw something odd or out of place, I would question her lightly on it and get answers I was OK with. But I didn't delve deep into the questions. I trusted her not to lie to me. Not to tell me things that were untrue. Not to hide things from me that she knows would hurt when finally seen.
How do you rebuild that trust? What do you do to fix that problem? How do you learn to forgive and how do you forget enough that you are not questioning everything. Right now, every statement she's made to me is clouded over with doubt. Every word she has ever said in confidence and in friendship is tarnished.
We had a fantastic five days. I don't want to look at them with doubt and remorse. I want to remember them for what they were: the best five days I've had with someone in a really long long time. The only way to do that is to rebuild. The only way to rebuild is to forgive.
I hope I have the strength to do that.
Posted by Samer at 02:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Guilt, Anger and Forgiveness
I'm not ready to forgive her.
We talked this morning and she apologized. She was sorry, she said. Sorry for hurting me. Sorry for not being honest. Sorry for damaging my trust in her.
I'm a very forgiving person. But this time, I am not feeling very forgiving. Trust is a very very difficult thing to pin down, and we had it in droves. And now, my trust of her is diminished. How can I forgive that? Time, I'm sure, is the answer.
For now though, she feels guilty and I feel angry. Forgiveness is going to have to wait its turn.
Posted by Samer at 01:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Scratch
Remember where I said that there was still a "chance at romance" with 'L'? Well, not only has that evaporated, but I never really had the chance.
I'm angry and confused. She touched me in ways that no one else has, and it hurts. In one sense, I was lied to. Not a big lie in the grand scheme of things: somewhere on the scale of "the check is in the mail" and "I'll call you in the morning". Bigger than "those pants don't make you look fat", but no where near as awful as "I need to tell you I am married". But it completely gutted me.
Our trust in each other was shattered. It may not be gone, but it is severely dented. I'll talk more about that in an upcoming post.
I hope we can recover though. She is still someone I like a great deal. Admire even. We had five of the best days of my life together, and I don't want to throw it away.
Posted by Samer at 01:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Need Drugs?
After talking to 'A' in the morning, I went and walked down the river front. It was a really beautiful day, sunny and bright with a nice breeze. Temps in the 50s made it better.
Ten minutes in the park and some "dude" on a bike comes up to me and asks me if I wanted any drugs! At 10.30 in the morning! What sort of town is this?
But, as if to make matters better, he says, "No offense, man. Nothing meant by it," after I told him I'm not interested. And then he wants to be my friend. So he starts talking to me and all I want to do is tell him to fuck off. But he really was genuinely nice and happy to chat about his town and mine and Saddam and all the rest.
People out here are just too damn nice. Even the drug dealers.
Posted by Samer at 01:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
My Portland Girl
Saw 'A' yesterday (for background do a search on "'A'"). She lives in Portland and is going to law school.
She called me up on her way to study for exams and we met up for ten minutes. It was a really good feeling. We managed to stay friends and it felt good.
Later she joined me for a beer before heading off to finish studying. We talked for a while, and she helped me deal with the 'L' issues. We talked about how talking on the phone seems awkward to both of us, but there was none of that in person.
Posted by Samer at 01:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
She's baaack!
Skarlet is back baby! I've been waiting to get more doses of her! Hope you are doing OK, and I want to see more posting.
Posted by Samer at 01:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 15, 2003
The Delightful 'L'
Well, I finally met 'L' on Friday. What a day, what a night.
She's every bit as delightful, as smart and as sexy as I thought. We've had some great moments already, and we've only known each other for a couple of days.
The down side, and there always is a down side, is that she is not sure that she likes me as much or in the ways I like her. I saw this coming, but it still is not the easiest thing to hear.
There's still a chance at romance. That's not out of the picture. But this was not love at first sight. Or even second. Who knows where things might go from here, but I do know that we will be friends. Really, honestly, damn good friends.
Posted by Samer at 09:09 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
December 12, 2003
The Moment
Well, I am in Portland. In an hour, 'L' will be here.
Like I said earlier, I should be nervous. I am not.
A mixture of confidence and excitement course through my veins. I am ready for this, come what may. Ask me in a year if I was foolhardy or if this was the best gamble of my life.
Tonight we will drink to life, and all the adventures it holds.
Posted by Samer at 08:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 11, 2003
Countdown
In just about 24 hours I will be on a flight to Portland, OR. I'll be meeting 'L' in just about 33 hours.
I really should be nervous. I was last week. Very nervous. I wanted everything to go right. I wanted all the plans to fall in place. I wanted her to be extremely thrilled to meet me. I wanted a big musical flourish when our eyes met.
But over the last week, as we've talked and become even more familiar with each other, I've become much more relaxed. Now, instead of nervousness, I am thrilled. I'm excited and really looking forward to meeting her.
No matter what transpires, this is going to be a great trip.
Posted by Samer at 09:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 08, 2003
Ready To Go
Had a little issue with "L" last week and we hashed it out over the weekend. Now I feel much better about my coming trip. I know where I stand with her, and my comfort level is even higher than before.
Last week I was nervous. Very nervous about making sure it all goes smoothly. But I realize that's a bit much to ask. Things go wrong, plans change.
Now, I am thinking about this trip as going to see a friend. If there is something more, it will happen. If not, she's going to be a great friend to have. And just like that, a change in attitude has lifted the lid off the pressure cooker.
I can't wait to go out there.
Posted by Samer at 08:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 05, 2003
Winter Wonderland
Another year, another early snowfall. It is fantastic out there. But I only know that because of the TV pictures. There is not a whole lot of snow here in my area of the world.
On the plus side, we expect more tonight and tomorrow.
Did I mention I love snow?
Posted by Samer at 09:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Not My Finest Moment
The company holiday party was last night. I had way too much gin. Gin and nothing but gin in my martinis. The ride home on the Metro was bad. Really really bad.
Hint: When you have just had a fairly rough day at the office and you have had a fairly rough night talking about some serious problems, it is probably not advisable to drink. Certainly not when the alcohol is free. Or when it is gin.
Ugh.
Posted by Samer at 09:06 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack